As I Sit Here
by Suicidal Tears
Summary: Someone watches over Harry as he sleeps and finds out some very... unplesant things. Chapter five up.
1. First Year

I don't own Harry potter. I never have, never will. ~sighs~ Well, on with the story.  
  
As I sit here, watching you sleep, my mind wanders back to the beginning of the year. It turns out that you aren't the only one who has and invisibility cloak. The first few nights that I watched you sleep, it was as if you were scared: waking up at every little noise and the break of dawn. You sat up, looking around like you were scared. Then it seemed you remembered where you were and eased up a little. You go back to sleep, waking at every little noise again.  
  
I watch you. I wonder, at first, what is wrong. You look so small. Too small, almost. Then it dawns on me: you're crunched up, like you've only got a few feet of space to sleep in. I walk over, to take you and straighten you out, but even before my hands come in contact with you, you bolt awake, scared out of your mind. You sense me, I can tell.  
  
Why do you stay crunched up? Why do you flinch at every little sound, the break of dawn? My heart reaches out to you.  
  
I have to leave... get out before you or anyone else wakes up. My next night is in for a scare. Fortunately, I never have to sleep.  
  
My second night...  
  
I come in early, to watch what you do. Unlike the other boys in your dorm, you don't change into your pajamas. Oh, wait, yes you do. You just change in the privacy of the curtains. I make a mental note to check on that later.  
  
Your second night is no better than your first. Unlike Ron, you don't snore; you don't anything. From the looks of it, I'd swear you were dead. You don't move, almost like you... I don't know... I can't put my finger on it.  
  
Nights are the same... I watch you sleep. You never change out in the open, you never move, never call out, never anything. You're starting to scare me, Harry, you really are.  
  
You're still small, far too small. It's almost like your body is too small for your age. Harry... why do you stay crunched? You have this whole bed to yourself. I think that you're afraid you'd fall off. No, that's not it... sometimes you fall asleep, crunched up, at the edge of the bed.  
  
You seem to ease up toward the end of the year, only to tense up again after out encounter with You-Know-Who. I think of how much I'll miss you during the summer holiday, Harry. You will write, won't you?  
  
Oh, how much I'd like to tell you. How much you mean to me. How I don't want to leave you... never. Not now, not ever. How much you mean to me.  
  
I was positive that I was making progress with you, but I am yet unsuccessful; thanks to You-Know-Who. All my work... ruined. How unfair. Please don't think that you're making me do this, Harry... I'm doing this on my own free will.  
  
Several times since the beginning have I tried to straighten you out, but before I even get close do you jet awake. I've given up. You need to learn on your own, like Dumbledor said, though I highly disagree with him. Please, don't tell though.  
  
You say your scar has started to hurt. Oh, how I believe how much it hurts. I can't do anything, and I'm so sorry. I know it hurts, trust me. I've been there, although I don't feel what you feel. I would do anything to help you.  
  
Wow, I can't believe that this has all gone thought my head through the last few minutes.  
  
Yes, I got far with you and now have to start over with you. I don't like to, but can't help but to wonder what happened down... down there. Dumbledor told his version, but I don't really believe him. I'd like yours one day soon, Harry, but I don't have the courage to ask... especially after my promise to that man who says he know what best for you... Dumbledor. Only you know, though I have been promised not to ask you. I will find out one day, Harry... I vow unto myself. This is my second to last night with you... before you leave.  
  
Please, Harry... come back to me! Don't leave me! My years probably weren't as bad as yours, but I still need you and I know you need me. You need so many people.  
  
My last night before Holiday...  
  
You say you want to go to bed early. I run up to grab my invisibility cloak soon after you leave. I want to watch you extra close before we leave until September.  
  
I make my way to you dorm, cloak drawn. I come in. No one is up here. I don't know why, but you pull out you pajamas, which I might add, are way to big for you. Going to bed this early? I wonder. I've never known you to go to bed early. Never. What comes next is the shock.  
  
You pull off your shirt, I can't but to gasp and you turn my way. Sensing my presence, you quickly pull your shirt down, but not quick enough. I've seen enough of you to know why you change in private. Who did this to you, Harry? Why haven't you told anyone?  
  
It's beyond a horrific sight. You've got scars... so many of them. What are they all from, Harry? I wanted to shout! I want to pull off the cloak, pull you into my arms and comfort you, but I know I can't. Oh, Harry! You should have told me!  
  
'No,' my mind argued, 'he didn't tell you because he didn't want to burden you.'  
  
No, I say back, not wanting to believe the truth.  
  
'Yes, and you know it, too. He's obliviously never had any love before in his life...'  
  
What about his parents?  
  
'He's obliviously never had any love before in his life, after the time his parents died. He probably went through more in that time than you'll ever go through in your whole life, Hermione. Admit it, Harry's been abused.'  
  
No, I won't admit it, I said, although my mind already had me convinced.  
  
I pulled my hands to my throat, just at the thought. Since you didn't tell anyone, you'll be going back, Harry! Oh no, you can't go back there! Not after what they've done to you. Go to Dumbledor tomorrow and tell him. He won't make you go back after what they've done to you. He just can't.  
  
It's been of my custom to take your hand. You don't seem to mind. It seems to help, and you know I'd do anything to help you. Your hand relaxes in my hand as I take it. For the first time in several months, I notice something. Something that looks awfully like blood. And it's fresh. Oh my! You're experiencing pain but won't yell out. You won't let anyone know. This isn't right... I'll be the one to fix it. 


	2. Summer Before Second

I don't own Harry potter. I never have, never will. ~sighs~ Well, on with the story.  
  
My summer passed by slowly, too slowly.  
  
The letters. I sent you quite a few. Now why no reply? Have you forgotten about me? I am now meaning nothing to you?  
  
I scan the sky, hoping for an owl. One comes and I get excited. Yet it isn't from you, but Ron. He tells me you somehow appeared over night. I highly doubt that. I'm guessing it has something to do with Fred or George. I get invited to stay the summer.  
  
I eagerly go and ask my parents if I can spend the remaining time with Ron. At first, they are skeptical... me, spending the rest of the summer with a family they only have met for a few minutes before? I don't think that's it, but they allow me to stay. At least I get to see you again.  
  
As soon as I appear, I franticly look around for you. Once I find you, I give you a hug. I've missed you. Have you missed me? I dare not ask.  
  
You sleep in a room with Ron, I with Ginny. Every night I creep out and watch you, hoping Ginny or her mum doesn't wake up and check on me.  
  
I sit on the side of your bed, just looking at you. Oh, how I've missed you. How I'd love to tell you... but I can't. It would hurt me... it would hurt everybody.  
  
It's the same thing, even here at Ron's: you change out of view, go to sleep, don't move, clench your hands into fists, leaving blood, wake at every noise, the break of dawn.  
  
I walk to take your hand. As I get near, you stir. I stop, hoping you don't wake up. I think you are awake, even though you don't open your eyes. After a while, you fall asleep again. I watch you chest rise and fall, so I know you really are asleep.  
  
I come, take your hand. You gasp and wake up, pulling away from my hand. I wonder... that's never happened before. Oh, sure... you wake up scared, but never pull away. What has happened to make you do such a thing?  
  
Once you fall asleep, I carefully sit next to you, waking you again. I silently curse myself for it. You need your sleep.  
  
You start to move toward me. I want to move, but then you'd know I was there for certain. I hold my breath. You stop, shaking your head like your crazy.  
  
I sit there for what seems like an eternity. You finally go all the way back to sleep and I edge myself off your bed, to go and get some well- deserved sleep. To think... I was so stupid as not to bring my potions with me. I watch you closely. You seemed to be awed with the house. Sure, you're not used to mirrors barking out their opinions, but nether am I.  
  
Days in and days out pass by, slowly, as I watch you. Watch you try to... possibly be more like a Weasley? Have they somehow adopted you, Harry? You're not safe here, Harry... I don't even know why Dumbledor let you stay as long as you have. Oh, now I sound like I'm complaining, but I'm not.  
  
Soon enough, it's time for our trip to Diagon Alley. What's this they're trying to tell us? Traveling by floo? It's weird enough as it is, but by fire? First Fred followed by George, and Mr. Weasley go. Then you go, coughing D-Dia-gon Alley. I don't think you did it right.  
  
Sure enough, when I arrive, right after you, there's no sign of you anywhere. Out pops Ron followed shortly after by a very frantic looking Mrs. Weasley.  
  
The Weasley's head off in one direction, to go and wait. But I'm too impatient. I go off the other way. Soon enough, I see Hagrid leading you out of Knockturn Alley. I ask what happened to your glasses... not a very good, erm... pick up line?  
  
I quickly say hi to Hagrid, saying it's wonderful to see you both. Then I ask if you're coming along to Gringotts, trying to avoid the fact that you are.  
  
You look at me like I'm strange. 'Well,' myself said, 'you really can't blame him, can you?' I tell you to 'come on' and we go head for the rest of the Weasley bunch, saying our byes to Hagrid.  
  
We're very lucky that Mrs. Weasley doesn't blame you. We go off on our own, showing up at the bookstore when we're supposed to. I'm so excited to meet Lockhart! Am I? I mean, you're...  
  
Lockhart drags you up to get a photo with him for the Daily Prophet. I can tell you really don't want to, but who can blame you Harry?  
  
Once you get away from Professor Lockhart, you bump into... him. Malfoy. The real disgrace to the name of wizards. He ridicules you, he ridicules Ron, he ridicules me. If Hagrid hadn't come along, again, and broke up the fight... it really would have gotten bloody.  
  
We go back to The Leaky Cauldron, saying our byes to my parents this time.  
  
Back at the Burrow...  
  
You go up to pack, I go and excuse myself with no more than saying I'm simply tired. I pop on my invisibility cloak, leaving Ginny a note that I had decided to take a walk instead.  
  
Is this going to be exactly like the last night of Hogwarts?  
  
You go up, really do finish packing, but pick up a book. Well, at least it looks like a book. You go over to the desk, put it down, and open to the first page. I walk over, not sure of what I'll see.  
  
A photo album. The one Hagrid gave to you, end of last year. I read:  
  
Property of:  
  
James Potter  
  
And  
  
Lily Evens  
  
Scribbled next to it is your name.  
  
You turn the page. I see what I assume to be your parents, holding a baby Harry. I see another man, who looks much like your father, holding you. On the next page, I see a brown haired man holding you. Then a very stout man, holding a younger you.  
  
Wizard pictures, I presume, seeing as they're moving. You turn the page. A picture taking up one page looks back at me. Your parents and you look so content. I see the date. I shriek inwards. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Taken the day your parent died.  
  
A terrified Lily runs out of the picture, motioning for you and your dad to come.  
  
As I wonder what that means, I soon find out. Drip, drip, drop, drip. I turn to face you, wondering what the matter is. I soon find out that tears have escaped.  
  
You wipe them away as soon as they came. You turn the page. A picture of Ron looks up at me. He's smiling and joking. On the next page, a me looks back at me. I'm sitting on one of the common room chairs, scribbling over homework. I look up and blush, not noticing that someone had taken my picture moments before.  
  
The three of us take up the rest of the book. One lone picture of you standing next to your broom catches my eye. It's hand-drawn. 


	3. Disbelief

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. ~sighs~ Well, on with the story.  
  
Chapter Three: Disbelief  
  
I stumble out of your room, not wanting to believe (ahem, not the reason for the title of the chapter). You, standing next to your broom, blood dripping down your arms, cuts there too. There are bruises; way to many bruises. And they look fresh, not like the one's I saw before.  
  
'This has gone on long enough,' I scream to myself. 'I've got to tell someone... but who?'  
  
I think about Ron. Should I even try telling him? What facts do I use? Do I tell them that I have an invisibility cloak, that I've been watching you since the beginning of last year? (Erm, yes, there is a plot... kinda... I dunno. Hermione's got a secret of her own, and it's just not Harry.)  
  
Should I go to Dumbledor? the Weasley's? a professor? Who?! Someone needs to help me! But for me to get help, I need to tell someone first. I think I should tell Ron, I think he's my best chance.  
  
I leave you for now, my dear Harry, and go think of what to say to Ron. How will I make him believe?  
  
I slouch on my bed, for the last night, and think. I haven't done that in a long time: just sitting and thinking about nothing in particular. I do know what I am thinking: how or what I'm going to break to Ron; you; me; my parents.  
  
I do end up falling to sleep, grateful to awake refreshed moments before Mrs. Weasley comes in and wakes us up. She's surprised to see me already awake. I tell her I just woke moments before. I gladly tell her I'll wake Ginny so she can go and wake the rest of you.  
  
Once I have Ginny up, I get dressed myself. Muggle clothes... nothing new. I've got loads and help Ginny find something. We look normal; can't say anything about the rest.  
  
I'm packed. I grab my trunk. As I head downstairs, I hear Mrs. Weasley yelling at Fred and George to get up. I laugh silently. Mr. Weasley tells me that I did not need to bring down my trunk. Moments later, Mrs. Weasley comes down and with a flick of her wand, breakfast appears. I sit down and grab some while everybody else comes down and joins me.  
  
Everything after that was a blur. Once on the train, I can't find you anywhere. I don't worry. You're coming, I know that. When you don't, at the end of the trip, I know something's wrong. You missed the train! No teachers on the train, so who can I tell? You're the one with an owl! I need to get an owl, really, really badly.  
  
I see you in the end of the mess outside of the Great Hall. I immediately relax, knowing you are safe. Now to get Ron alone and to talk to him.  
  
You go up to bed and I hold myself back. I tell Ron that I need to talk to him and pull him over to a corner and put a silencing charm around us.  
  
"Ron," I say, "I have to tell you something..."  
  
"Hermione..." Ron looks worried, "what's wrong?"  
  
"Not with me, with Harry."  
  
Ron looks relieved. When Harry finally sinks in he mumbles out a 'Harry?'  
  
"I know... you've got... Just hear me out, Ron."  
  
"What?" he asked, turning very pale.  
  
How do I tell him? "Ron..."  
  
"What? What's wrong with Harry?"  
  
"I... I think..." Never before have I been lost of words. I normally can't stop.  
  
"You think what, Hermione? Don't leave me like this," he said, starting to get irritated.  
  
Oh, I give up! "I think Harry's been abused," I blurt out, very fast, clamping my hand to my mouth, immediately turning beet red. I could put up a match for Ron's hair.  
  
Ron just looks at me like I'm crazy. "Harry? Been abused? Come on, Hermione, think. If Harry would have been abused, he'd have told us."  
  
"That's what I thought," I said, tears streaming down my face, "but then I thought, he probably wouldn't want us to worry about him."  
  
"When's he done that?" Ron spat.  
  
"Have you ever seen him change?" I asked.  
  
"No... but neither have you..."  
  
"Have you ever seen him when he's sleeping?" I challenge.  
  
"No... but you-"  
  
"Oh, Ron! Give that a rest! He fell asleep on one of the couches last year! Have you ever seen him sleeping?" I give another go.  
  
"No-"  
  
"You've never seen what he does?"  
  
Ron just shook his head, not wanting to distraught me anymore.  
  
"Ever hear him call out?"  
  
Ron shook his head, again.  
  
"That's because he doesn't! He's scared!"  
  
"What would he be..."  
  
"Has he ever talked about his family?" I keep my challenges going so I don't end up revealing too much information.  
  
Ron thinks about this for a minute, finally looking down at his feet in defeat.  
  
"Ron," I begin again, "you've go to believe me... I wouldn't say things like this if I really weren't worried! Something's gone wrong with him, Ron, and he's going to keep going back if we don't do anything!"  
  
If we don't do anything?" Ron finally bursts. "I never said-"  
  
"Ron-"tears are streaming down my face.  
  
"Hermione, Harry would have told us if something was wrong. He wouldn't do this to us."  
  
"But he'd do this to himself so he doesn't get-"  
  
"Just give it a rest, Hermione. He'd tell us!"  
  
"No, he wouldn't! This is Harry we're talking about, not some other friend. He just doesn't want-"  
  
"OK, Hermione. Just give it up already! I've had enough of this! He'd of told us! You don't get Harry as well as I do!"  
  
'Oh, but I do,' I think to myself, 'if not, even better.'  
  
I take off the silencing charm after my cry has once yet subsided.  
  
Ron walks off, full of disbelief.  
  
~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~  
  
prettypup19- I wrote more, I wrote more! ~bang~  
  
Wiccan PussyKat- No, I don't think you're incredibly stupid. Yes, she is, and she'll ease up a little bit soon enough. Yes, erm, no, I don't know. I guess you could say there's some kind of plot. Hermione does have a secret, but we won't find out about that for a while.  
  
coolone007-2- Through to their fifth year? Probably. Maybe even to their sixth and seventh, when JK gets her books, or I might make up my own. Or maybe I'll do both.  
  
angel74- Her secret won't be a secret anymore. It's definitely not just a reflection of each year... it's going somewhere: Hermione's secret. Yes, but the question is when... even I don't know. 


	4. Pictured

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. sighs Well, on with the story.  
  
Chapter four:   
  
These past few days, Ron has talked to me, but whenever I bring up the subject of Harry without him around, he saunters away. I believe that I never will understand Ron.  
  
I literally feel like I'm being torn in two. This just isn't working out how I had planed it! Ron was supposed to believe me, we were supposed to get Harry help, and then it would be over! My job would be complete! Well, not really, but the first part would be: making sure Harry was all right.   
  
Right now he wasn't, and that needed to be solved before anything else. But how to do that was my first real problem, outside of Harry, in a very long time.   
  
I went through with going to the library to do some extra research. I snuck Harry's photo album, feeling very guilty, and took a picture of Harry's family and friends at their wedding.   
  
I went to Mc Gonagall, asking if she knew who the people all were. That was a big mistake. She asked me how I came across the picture. I didn't know what to do, so I lied. I said I was looking through a box of things I had found in the library, which, of course, I had asked Madame Pince to look through. She said that she wanted the picture.   
  
I said sure, being glad that I had made a copy before I handed Harry back his photo album.   
  
Before I left, I asked, "can you please tell me who those people are, Professor Mc Gonagall? I'm just curious."  
  
Finally, she just smiled and said sure.   
  
"This one," she said, pointing to Harry's dad, "is our certain Harry Potter's father."  
  
"I kind of guessed that," I said as politely as I could.   
  
"And how, I might ask?" She looked very puzzled.   
  
"They hold a very close resemblance, and I know those are Harry's eyes," I said, pointing to his mum's emerald-green eye's.   
  
"Oh, yes," she said, smiling.   
  
"And this," she said, pointing at someone with brown hair, standing next to Lily, "is Remus Lupin. He was one of James's best friends. And so was Sirius Black," she said, pointing to him.   
  
I gasped… "But… but didn't he… he murder twelve muggles and little Peter Petagriew with one curse?"  
  
"Yes," she said, smiling sadly. Then she pointed to another man with brown hair, balding already, even though he was young, and much stouter than Mr. Lupin. "This is Peter Petagriew."  
  
"Thank you, Professor," I said. "You can keep the picture if you want."  
  
"Your welcome, Ms. Granger. But I'm sure Mr. Potter wouldn't like to find out that I had one of his pictures."  
  
"Oh, no, that's just a-" I said before I could catch my self.  
  
She just smiled at me, saying that she wouldn't tell anyone.   
  
Even though I had three more people added to my list to do research on, I didn't feel any better. I felt guilty for lying to Professor Mc Gonagall and for taking Harry's album without his consent. I quickly put that out of my mind as soon as I found out who Sirius Black was.  
  
Let alone from killing a street-full of muggles and Petagriew, he was also Harry's Godfather. I wondered to myself why Sirius would risk losing Harry over killing Petagriew.   
  
'Maybe,' I thought, 'just maybe he didn't kill all those muggles… maybe he was innocent. He really didn't know that he was putting Harry into the hands of muggles that…'   
  
I shook my head. There were eyewitnesses at the crime site. But part of me thought that he still was innocent. So I went with that part of me, glad that I did.   
  
O god, I realise that I haven't updated in a long time and I am so sorry! I was almost positive that I had this chapter up, but I guess I don't. I'm sorry again! And to my wonderful reviewer (who I am dearly sorry to yet again):  
  
coolone007-2- making my own books would be rather interesting, but I would not know where to go with them. The way you're thinking, Ron will never believe.... ;)  
  
prettypup19- Ok, so you're the reason why I updated, besides all these wonderful reviewers and the fact that this story's been bugging me for a long time now, but in a good way.  
  
Wiccan PussyKat- Slash? Sorry, not my type of thing, though that would be an interesting twist. ;) Nah, he won't completely forget and he will feel a lot of guilt, I can assure you. Hermione's secret? Sorry that I can't tell. After I post this I'm gonna write another chapter for this! Yey me, and sorry again that I haven't updated in a long while and that this chapter was rather short! 


	5. Second Year

Disclaimer: Don't own HP, even though I really want to. Oh well....  
  
I never gave up on Sirius Black but I had more impotrant things on my mind right now, preferably you.  
  
You're your normal self, though you change so drasticly, it sometime scares me. During the day you're your normal self, pretending that nothings wrong, but I can see it in your eyes.  
  
Those eyes.... emerald eyes.... your mothers eyes at that, Harry. Be glad you carry you parents so close to you at all times; not many people get this chance. You could be you fathers twin if it weren't for your eys, Harry.  
  
That picture still haunts me somehow. I hate to keep looking at you through the photo album, but that's the only way that I can seem to get close to you- to know what you're thinking, or at least what I hope you think.   
  
I keep up my bookwork status and rat you out a few times through the begining of the year, but that soon falls old (AN: Some of it doesn't follow the books, sorry). I can't help but still want to tell you- but I know that I can't. It becomes more and more frequent when people start making your life horrible by saying you're doing all the attacks.  
  
But I know you're not, Harry. I believe you. And so does Ron. At least I hope he does. If he doesn't he doesn't let it show. Confide in me, Harry, please! For your and my sake. I can't help but want to help you through this, but I promised, and now I know that I shouldn't have made that promise without knowing what I would be limiting myself to, but I did.  
  
I did and I'll never be able to forgive myself, and I know that you won't either, once you find out.   
  
The days go by and still, I watch. As I sit here, I know that something will happen soon with the chamber, but I have no clue what's in store for me as I find out what's talking to you in the walls. I turn the corner, using a mirror as I instructed another gilr to do so, and then, I'm absolutely joyous that I'm a bookworm. You will have to fill me in, Harry, as I make contact with those evil eyes.   
  
Sorry that it's short, but first: I'm tired, and second, anybody got any ideas where they want it to go, besides Hermione's secret? Cuz otherwise all the other chapters will be short and to the point so I can get there, but I really don't want to have to keep them that short... please, e-mail me at Kawaiijacksongrlaol.com if you have any ideas! Thanks a bunch and I'm sorry for the shortness of this chapter. Merci 


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